At the start of this blog you sat down at your computer and poured into it your regret, fears and hopes as you stood at precipice of academia. You made that leap and now 7 months later you are back to see how things went.
You have no regrets, a lot has happened since September and at times you have been forced to question your choices but ultimately you are not only happy that it was not the wrong choice but that you made the right one. That does not mean everything is perfect, in fact there are some issues and this is a good chance to talk about them here.
Your main concern is the level you are currently working at. You do not feel you have engaged with the study aspect of university life as much as you should have. The course is interesting and is challenging you in ways that you expected but you are not rising to the challenge like you normally would. When you looked back at your college modules you were producing work of a much higher standard. Your research was stronger and more in depth and your enthusiasm seemed higher. Perhaps you are suffering from some sort of scholastic lethargy because you put so much work into college that it drained you more than you realise or maybe it is the lure of the campus community and social life that has become a distraction. You do not know and it is something you need to figure out. However you should not be overly concerned, you have felt this way before at numerous times in your working career and you are have always been able to reassert yourself, this will be no different. You also have the fact that you will be living with 3 other students next year, two from your course although one in the year above but it will be a studious and social environment which should help.
As for the second problem, no specifics, no names are needed but your lowest concern, the worry that you thought would not be a problem prior to coming to university became the biggest issue of the year. The accusations made against you, from someone you trusted, someone you spent a lot of time helping and someone you cared about hurt you more than you are admitting to yourself. The stress of the investigation, the anxious wait for answers and the final relief when vindicated all took its toll and at times you felt like walking away and could not see yourself back here again. The feelings of betrayal can be dealt with and eventually so can the sadness at the loss of a good friend. It was an emotional time and one that is mostly now behind you but you still have a few unresolved issues and some unanswered questions. It is unlikely that you ever will get those answers so you need to find a way to move on, leave the past behind and look forward to next year.
Thats the negative stuff out the way, lets just look at what you have learned. Your perspective has changed so much, you no longer feel like a guy with a camera that takes nice pictures and more like a photographer that can create interesting projects. 12 months ago you would never have even attempted to embark upon a personal project now you are looking forward to it. And there it is, there is that person who loves a challenge, the prospect of making a series of images as a project is a daunting task but as you write this then all you can feel right now is ‘bring it on, I am ready’.
And thats a good place to leave this, Right now I have got my mojo back. I am ready for what the future brings and will take it on like I have something to prove. I am ready for year two, roll on October.
Your voice of reason
p.s accept PicBod, that shit still scares the hell outta me 😉